Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
