Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
