I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
