All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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