she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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