Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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