Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize