fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
