im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
