just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
