Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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