so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Randomize
