did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Randomize
