when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
