The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
