I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
