he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
