no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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