I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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