I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
