I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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