none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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