I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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