Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
