Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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