I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm like, not good at living.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
