apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
