last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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