There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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