why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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