she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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