You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
