Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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