Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
