My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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