i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
