I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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