I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
