this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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