I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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