True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
