I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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