how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
