dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
