I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
