I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
