I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
