Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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