My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
