I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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