we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
