Please, let me fuck your mom
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Pants are for mortals
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
