I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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