I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
