i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
