I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
