Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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