So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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