Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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