don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm too high and old for this...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
