I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize