she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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